Picture Box
by brickroad16
Summary: Sarah's thoughts after Chuck vs. the Marlin. Updated: Chuck's thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Picture Box

Summary: Sarah's thoughts after Chuck vs. the Marlin. One-shot.

Author's note: I really wanted to write something after the Chuck sandwich, but they really tied things up pretty neatly. (And weren't those episodes great?) So this is really short. If it disappoints, I've got a longer, better, but completely random one in the works. Since I'm in school, though, I'm not quite sure when it'll be up. Just hang tight.

P.S. Thanks for the great reviews of my last fics!

Disclaimer: Last time I checked, NBC still owned _Chuck_.

* * *

"_It's family time."_

"_I know."_

Even after Casey's retreated into his apartment, Sarah continues to stand at the window, gazing at Chuck and his family.

His family, which he had just included her in.

It had been one of those moments, one of those life-defining moments that only come so often. And she had turned it down. Now, in this window, this picture-box, she's watching days she could have led, hugs she could have given, smiles she could have received.

A family.

Chuck's family.

But she's chosen to distance herself from him once again. Maybe it was the stress of losing him that helped her see how unprofessional she was being. Maybe what frightens her is that, when he included her, she could actually imagine sharing a normal life with him. She had been in the agency for so long that it was surprising how easily she could slip out of that mindset. The CIA had been her lifesaver. She was floundering in school – good as so many things, great at nothing - and she had little idea of what she wanted to do with her life. But less than a week into training, she felt like she belonged. She was great at her job.

For more than five years, she's known nothing but her job. And now, he's come along, just another assignment, but so much more. It scares her that he can bring out her best and he can bring out her worst. It scares her that's she's not sure which is which anymore. What used to be her best – what the CIA called her best – now sometimes seems like her worst, especially when compared to a day in the life of the Bartowskis. It scares her that her defenses are starting to crumble not just at the top, but at the foundations. It scares her that she can't concentrate like she used to, that thoughts of him pop up in her mind, seemingly out of nowhere. And it scares her that she's beginning to not care.

Casey's right – she's getting entirely too attached to Chuck. They had decided to be just friends, and she's going to do everything in her power to not fall for him even more than she already has. Which means having as little contact as possible. So, as much as it tears her up inside, she watches him congratulate his sister alone, and she imagines what it'd be like to be beside him, to leave behind her current life and to start a new one with him.

Even as she contemplates it, she's not quite sure she could handle a complete break with her past. She's done that once before, but that time, it had made sense. She didn't like leaving her family, but cultivating a new lifestyle, a new personality, had been a complete joy for her. Her years with the agency had brought out an inner strength she never realized she'd possessed. And to lose that, to willingly give that up? Her whole identity is caught up and entangled with the CIA. If she separates from that, she'll have nothing left. Quitting the CIA would leave her so exposed, so vulnerable.

She's terrified of being vulnerable.

They don't tell you, when you sign up for the agency, how you lose a part of yourself with each mission. They don't tell you that. Watching Chuck, Ellie, and Awesome move into the kitchen for some breakfast, Sarah realizes sorrowfully that she doesn't know who she is anymore. She doesn't even have anyone to turn to who can remind her of who she used to be. Her breath hitches in her throat as Chuck turns slightly, catching her eye for just a moment.

Chuck.

Chuck has shown her again and again that he's willing to take the time and the energy to help her figure out who she wants to be.

Like a coward, she's run from every opportunity.

To protect the country, to protect herself, to protect _him_, she runs once again.

Sighing, Sarah walks slowly through the apartment complex, her footsteps echoing in the early morning silence.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: YellowTang and cybercat08 asked for the same scene from Chuck's point of view. Since I didn't really feel like doing my homework, here it is! Hope you like it!

* * *

"_It's family time."_

"_I know."_

It had been a gamble, acknowledging that she had become part of his family, but after their goodbye on the helipad, Chuck thought it was worth it.

But something has changed since a few hours ago, when he was in handcuffs and she was silently but firmly threatening to shoot Longshore to prevent him from taking Chuck to an underground cell for the rest of his life. Something has changed. He just can't figure out what. Perhaps it's the three hours they spent digging through the dumpster trying to find Ellie's ring. Perhaps, but he has a hard time thinking Sarah would be that petty.

How many times has he unwrapped his heart for her? How many times has she rejected it? Still he doesn't learn. Still he offers it, time and again. He turns his face away from the outrageously happy Ellie and Awesome, but doesn't look at Sarah when he says it this time. He thinks if he doesn't look in her eyes, it won't hurt so much when she throws away his heart.

He's wrong.

"Goodnight," she says, and the word rings so final in his ears.

He slips in through the front door, willing a smile onto his face.

* * *

Watching his sister and her fiancé, Chuck is surprised to find a lick of jealousy creep up inside of him. He keeps his back firmly to the window, because he doesn't know which scenario he prefers. If she's still standing there, he knows she's witnessing happiness she can't, or maybe won't, participate in. And he couldn't wish that upon her, no matter how infuriated he is with her. But if she's gone, does that show she really doesn't care about him? He shakes his head firmly to clear his thoughts. Overanalyzing _cannot_ be good, not this early in the morning, and especially not after what he went through last night.

He hugs Ellie and Awesome for what feels like the hundredth time, but can't stop wishing that he were wrapping his arms around Sarah, their bodies melding instinctively to each other. He feels a sudden burst of anger against her, and has to remind himself that this dance they've been doing is not something they can control. He sometimes wonders if she's aware of the effect she has on him, if she knows she can control him with just the right gesture, or word, or smile.

As dangerous as his feelings for her are, he can't help noticing the way she looks at him occasionally. It's those looks, infrequent as they are, that give him hope. Hope that she could someday return his feelings, hope that she sees their futures intertwining. Chastising himself for being such a fool, he clears his throat loudly, hoping to distract himself from the painful route his thoughts are taking.

* * *

He's only half-listening to their conversation, but he's able to nod his acquiescence when Awesome suggests pancakes for breakfast. Appropriately, his stomach growls, and he realizes he hasn't eaten since last night, which seems like a lifetime away. Wandering into the kitchen, he absently wonders what the food would have been like in his cell. He turns slightly, and catches Sarah still standing outside.

His body is able to forget how long she's lingered outside before his mind is. Their eyes meet for only a split second, but the sight of her, framed by the neat picture box formed by the window, captures him. The image burns into him, even as he stares at the kitchen table, begging his mind to erase her form. His hands grip the back of the chair for support, knuckles turning white with the force. Still he thinks of only Sarah.

Sarah.

He dimly registers Ellie's voice as she asks if he's okay. He nods, and stifles a mirthless chuckle when she tactfully suggests that he take a shower as Awesome fires up the griddle. He starts to make his way to his bathroom, but stops abruptly when he notices the window.

She's gone.


End file.
